Sasuke is Emo
by MavaricComet
Summary: This story takes place as if Naruto was an actual T.V. show that was being filmed. This is what happens backstage to explain why Sasuke always looks so down. Please Read and Review. Keep in mind that I do not own Naruto or any of the characters herein.
1. Chapter 1

Note: Anything in Italics is either what Sasuke meant to say or what he's thinking right then.

Why Sasuke is Emo

"I'm really starting to think the producers hate me."

"Hey Sasuke."

"Oh God!" As Sakura bounded down the hall toward him, Sasuke tried to pretend that he hadn't heard her. Never before had he considered killing another human being but then he started on this show. Sasuke turned the corner and ran to his dressing room, nearly dropping the latest script that he had just received. The script didn't matter. Only getting away from her was important now.

"Made it." Sasuke relaxed on his new couch. "At least I made it away from her. I can't stand…"

Crash! "You know I was a bit cautious about having adjoining dressing rooms when you first started, but now that we're best friends I think it really comes in handy. Did you know that you're door locks when you close it?"

"No I didn't. I'll get that fixed._ Its official they hate me."_

"Lately I've been having a little trouble with my boyfriend."

_"Please let this not be about what I think it's about."_

"Naruto's a great guy, and I'm really glad the producers didn't write us as a couple, that can make things weird I hear."

"Really, I wouldn't want that. _ Yes I do. Because then you wouldn't be hanging all over me constantly."_

"Thanks for understanding. Well my problem is that Naruto isn't really fulfilling my needs."

"What?!"

"Well you know he isn't very long and he doesn't really satisfy me that way. You know?"

"That's too bad." What he meant to say was, "No I don't know, and I don't really want to know how big Naruto's penis is!"

"Oh, and to make matters worse, I'm on my period so even if he did satisfy me we couldn't do anything right now."

_"Ew! Why did she have to tell me that?"_

"And…"

_"There's more? Is this chick like a never ending fountain of female problems?"_

"…Right now my moods are really out of control. Like earlier today I was talking to him and I just started crying and I couldn't stop it."

_"That wasn't bad. Maybe she's winding down."_

"But the cramps are the worst part. Really, you have no idea of how much they hurt. Its well like…"

WHOMP! Sakura aimed a punch straight at Sasuke's balls. And in case you were wondering she hit a pair of homeruns.

"It is kind of like that for five straight days."

Mentally Sasuke was in the fetal position rolling around on the ground balling his eyes out, screaming, "This bitch is psycho! Get me out of here." Over and over again. But what he did was much manlier. He just reached down to kind of guard himself from further attacks and calmly stated, "Ouch. I feel sorry for you."

"But at least I have you to talk to. Oh, and my million dollar paycheck to go shoe shopping with."

_"Good God! She switches immediately from hitting me in the balls to shoe shopping. She seriously has ADD or something. The only possible correlation between those two subjects I could see is if she kicked me with her new shoes." By now Inner Sasuke was getting pretty pissed._

"Aren't these the most adorable slippers? And these clogs are to die for!"

_"Where is she pulling these from? Does she have a hidden stash in my dressing room or something?"_

"Sasuke are you listening to me?"

"Oh, defiantly, to die for clogs."

"Good, you know that is one of your huge…"

_"Don't say that word."_

"Flaws."

_"No! Not the dreaded flaws discussion. Every time she talks to me she finds something to complain about."_

"You tend to zone out a lot when I talk about shoes."

"I'm sorry about that I've just got a lot on my mind._ Oh, shit. What did I just do?"_

"You know you can tell me what you're feeling. I feel like I'm the only one who's been talking this whole time."

_"That's because the only thing I've said this whole time is I feel sorry for you and I understand._ That's okay Sakura. I'm fine."

"Oh, this is about your girlfriend isn't it?"

_"Maybe if I say yes she'll let it drop._ Yeah, you're right. Lately I haven't had much time to talk to her, but you know what I think I'm going to plan a date with her right now."

"Yes I think you should. I'll leave you alone now so you can do that."

_"Success!"_

"But you know that I'm just next door if you need anything."

"Okay I'll remember."

Sakura walked through the door that adjoined her and Sasuke's dressing rooms.

"Free at last."

"Hey Sasuke! Did you realize that we can hear each other through these walls?"

Just as Sakura shouted this one of the producers walked by Sasuke's open door.

"You truly hate me don't you?"

"With an unadulterated passion, and while we're on the subject, that scene where you fight with Naruto on the Hospital roof," sharp inhale of air followed by a lip smack, "yeah, if you could lose that it would be much appreciated." Another sharp inhale and light smack of the lips, "Yeah." The producer nodded his head lightly and walked away with a thumb and forefinger point/ shake gesture.

"I hate this job."

Authors Note: Hey this is my first attempt at comedy so hang me gently. There will be a second chapter with Sasuke and his girlfriend as well as more girl problems for our troubled hero. Just remember, I can only get better if you people tell me what I suck at.


	2. An End to Emo

Note: Same as 1st chapter. Anything in Italics is in his head.

An End to Emo

Sasuke was sitting in his dressing room still recovering from his "session" with Sakura when his girlfriend walked in the door.

_"Oh crap. What does she want?_ Hey sweetie. What an unexpected surprise."

"Don't hey sweetie me. What were you and Sakura doing in here? I know you and her used to have a thing."

"Come on Ten. You know I wouldn't cheat on you. _But why did you have to bring my ex-girlfriends into this._"

"What about any of the other girls on this show? Huh? You've dated pretty much every girl on this show who is around our age. Hell, you even dated that one chick and she's like 20!"

"That was only for a week, and besides she isn't even on the show anymore."

"Yeah, but I mean, I don't know why the producers always write all those scenes with you and all those other girls. It's like the producers hate us or something."

_"Tell me about it. _I don't know, maybe we should talk to them about it._ Skillful change of subject Sasuke. I think I'm getting better at this."_

"Well anyway. Did you hear about what Shikamaru did?"

_"No, and I don't really care to gossip about my good friend like that. _You know I didn't. _Please don't enlighten me."_

"Well the word around the set as I heard it from Neji, who heard it from Ino, who heard it from Jiraiya (_get on with it_), who heard it from Kabuto, who heard it from Shino, who heard it from Kakashi, who heard it from Orochimaru (_creepy dude_), who heard it from Chouji, who heard it from a conversation that two of the producers (bane_ of my existence_) were having that Shikamaru came on to Naruto!"

_"Finally, it is over. **W**_**a_i_t _a _s_e_c_o_n_d_**. He did what?"

"Well Neji told me that he heard from (_mental fast forward_), that Shikamaru came on to Naruto."

_"Wow! That is exactly why I didn't want to know! I change my clothes in front of that guy! Damn! Damn you person who is at the end of the massive list that I don't feel like remembering! Damn you!"_

"Hey Sasuke what are you doing." Sasuke was running over to his computer to e-mail some of his friends about the new "problem" at work.

"Nothing. My stupid computer won't work. _Damn you Windows Vista._ It's nothing. I'll fix it later."

"I could fix it for you. I'm pretty good with computers you know."

"No that's okay it's probably something deep in the system. I'll get it later. _Come on Sasuke change the subject quick."_

"No, you just have to click here type in the password here and then drag and drop this. See was that so hard?"

"No thanks _bitch. God now she probably thinks that I'm a complete and total idiot. Now watch she's going to bring up that time she fixed my car too."_

"So how's that repair I did on your car doing?"

"Oh, it's fine. _Man I hate her some times. I don't even know what an alternator is."_

"Hey Sasuke, all this talk about your exes brought up a question that has been on my mind for a while."

_"Guys I think we all know where this is going."_

"I was wondering if, you know when we go all the way. Will I be your first?"

_MENTAL FREEZE_

_"Let's go over some of the answers and responses that have gone down with my past girlfriends._

_Sakura: "No I've slept with most of the other girls on the show." That's when she started batting practice if you know what I mean._

_Ino: "Yes you will be my first." At the time that was honest. Unfortunately she then dumped me for a more experienced, and apparently gay man._

_Hinata: "No I've been with one other person but that was a while ago and she wasn't on the show." That was a bald faced lie. But it is my favorite one because it got me laid. Let's see what it gets me here._

"No, I've been with one other person but that was a long time ago and she wasn't on the show."

"**LIAR! (HOME RUN!)** First off, when we got together you told me you were a virgin and every time you mention the word virginity Hinata turns red and disappears for half an hour. Now as long as you are honest I'll forgive you. How many girls have you slept with?"

"Well about every girl on the show under 20 except you and Temari…"

"That's not too bad…"

"Plus about 10 from around the network."

"Wow. You're kind of a man whore. But at least you're my man whore now."

"And glad of it. _To clarify Sakura later forgave me and Ino later used me to get back at Naruto for dumping her."_

"Now that that's cleared up we can move on to a more joyous discussion."

_"This is going to one of two places and I don't enjoy either, quick brain think of a way out. _Like what? _Bad brain."_

"Like, I know we're only 17 but we have to think of where we're going to be in twenty years. You know the future."

"_Noooooooooo! Must get out. Must get manly influence. I can feel them changing me. Becoming girl. _Oh, look at the time. I'm supposed to be filming a scene on location in twenty minutes. Gotta fly. Continue the discussion later." Sasuke flew out the door as fast as he could.

"Why do they always do that?"

As soon as Sasuke got to the set he tried to find one of his friends to talk to. He found Neji. "_Close enough. _Neji quick say something manly. You have no idea what I just went through."

Neji was already pretty angry because he had just gotten a pay cut. "Dude if you don't get off me I'm going to beat the crap out of you."

"Thank god."

"I warned you." Neji swung his fist and it collided with Sasuke's stomach. Then releasing more anger than he knew he had he grabbed Sasuke's shoulders and kneed him in the balls.

Neji walked away and as Sasuke was lying on the ground writhing in pain the same producer that had talked to him earlier walked up and started talking. "Yeah, we the producers think that you're giving out a negative vibe on set lately and have decided to give you some time off." Sharp inhale of breath and lip smack.

"How long?"

"Oh, not long. About two seasons give or take. You might want to pack your stuff. Yeah." The producer walked away and then seemed to start laughing.

"It's not enough, and at this rate it won't come soon enough.

Authors Note: Short and sweet. That is the last of this series unless I get really good feedback so review and read my other story. FYI: This is the first story I've ever finished in one sitting so, good for me.


	3. Unwanted Correspondence

Unwanted Correspondence

Note: This chapter is told from Sasuke's point of view. It contains some suggestive stuff but nothing is directly stated so I should be fine. Please let me know if I need to Change the rating. The last thing I want to do is get in trouble.

Vacation: freedom or release from business or activity.

That is truly what I wished this to be. A time without evil producers, my girlfriend's problems, and most of all, Sakura. The more I time he spend with her the more I thank myself for breaking up with her. After all, I am convinced that if I was ever to be declared infertile, it would be because of Her.

At this point I was willing to do anything, to get away from her for a while. Hell, I even rented a house in LA for my vacation. Maybe that was the solution; Sakura in Japan, on the set with the producers and the annoyingly hot lights, and me in America, in a gated community with my A/C on full blast in the middle of Summer. Summer was an aspiring actress.

Wait a second. The show didn't broadcast new episodes in the summer. Those evil bastards. They knew that the start of my time off from the show would coincide with the rest of the cast's break. But Sakura wouldn't come all the way to America just to see him, would she? I have to find out. Who could I call that would know? Neji, he still owed me one from that time on location. Crap, do I even have his number? Yes, Tenten gave it to me because she was going to be staying with Hinata for a while. That is convenient.

Ringing, ringing, ringing. Does he even have an answering machine at least? Good someone's picking up. "Hello?"

"Tenten? Why are you answering Neji's cell phone?"

"Is this you Naruto? Did you get a new phone, or something? Your number didn't come up."

Oh right. No one has this number. Let's keep it that way. "Yeah. Sorry, it slipped my mind."

"Fine, whatever. You know that I'm doing Neji while Sasuke's in America. Just don't tell him, okay? I don't want to upset him."

"Yeah I'll do that." That cheating WHORE. Well I'm one to talk, given my current situation. Well, now we're even. So there goes that resource. Wait, Naruto and Sakura are going out. He should know her plans.

God, why does everyone's phone ring for so long? I just hope Sakura doesn't pick up. That could get really bad. Finally, someone's picking up.

"Hello."

"Naruto, is that you?"

"Yes it's me. Now who is this?"

"It's Sasuke. First thing, don't tell anyone this number, it's a secret. Second, thanks for telling me that my girlfriend is sleeping with Neji."

"Oh yeah, I was going to call you about that, but I didn't know your number."

"It's okay; we're even if you know what I mean."

"Dude. Factoring in a 20 hour flight time, the time difference and recovering from jet lag, that means you hooked up in the first 12 hours that you were there! How did you manage that?"

"Not really that hard. Lot's of aspiring actresses with low self esteem in LA." Good thing Summer already left. I believe Autumn is next.

"I'll have to come visit some time during my time off."

"Wait. In all the time I've known you, you've never cheated on a girl. Does that mean…"

"Yet another thing you would have known about, had you given me your number. Oh yeah, and she said that she was planning on visiting you. So, good luck with that."

"I should be fine. This is an unlisted number, my gate doesn't even have my address on it and there are like eight guards out there, all with orders to not let anyone who looks like Sakura through. I think I'm safe."

"Wow, dude. You're really paranoid. I mean, you spared no expense for this, and you're even in America. You hate Americans."

"Very true. Except I think I have a new found appreciation for ones named after seasons."

"What?"

"I'll explain later. Right now I think I'll pay a visit to my lavishly large hot tub."

"Just remember one thing dude. She's very persistent."

"Yeah, whatever. Honestly, it's like you forgot that I used to date her."

"I know. Just remember."

That was weird. I've never heard Naruto so repetitive before. It's like he knows something that I don't. Huh, my phone is ringing. Wait, who has this number, Tenten and Naruto. But Tenten thinks its Naruto's. That means it's got to be Naruto. That's weird how did Shikamaru get this number? And Kabuto, and Kiba, and Chouji. I better answer one of these to see what's going on.

"Hello, how did you get this number?"

"That doesn't matter. Just know that the producers are evil and you need to leave now. It doesn't matter where you go just leave where you are and go."

"What's going on? What did the Producers do?"

"Okay, so it all started when Naruto and Sakura broke up yesterday. She went all psycho on all the guys because you didn't give her your number and she didn't believe that you didn't give it to anyone. Then the producers started to announce the summer break and at the end of the announcement, well…"

"Don't tell me. If you are about to tell me what I think you are about to tell me then just hang up now."

"I'm sorry dude. Bye."

Those $#ing whores. I can't believe they would break the confidentiality pact of episode 4. They promised never to disclose the whereabouts of an actor on break after what happened to that one guy. I can't believe they would stoop this low to get to me. Man Chouji, stop calling me.

"What, dude?"

"I take it some one already told you about what the producers did so I'll just skip to the other bad news."

"What could possibly be worse than this?"

"Check your E-Mail for something from me." I began doing this as Chouji kept talking to me. "You read the whole thing, right?"

"Yeah. It's a list of Girls I've dated. So what?"

"It's more than that. Naruto posted that list after he found out that Sakura dumped him to spend more time with you. Knowing that, scan the list again."

"OH MY GOD! I've got to go pack."

"I hope to talk to you again." I hung up on Chouji in the somewhat rude fashion of destroying my cell phone, or as I now saw it, a small tracking unit.

I packed up as many clothes as I could fit in one suitcase, printed a copy of the list, stuffed it and my suitcase in the back of my car and booked. I figured that I would have at least a 10 hour head start on them if I headed out now.

Authors Note: I bet no one was expecting that! Yes Sasuke is on the run. But where to? Who from? I will probably post the list at the beginning of the next chapter. Relax; I will explain the list when I get it up.


End file.
